So, remember when I declared myself a celebrity? I still follow Nate’s blog even though he rarely never acknowledges my presence. Anyway, last week I was reading one of Nate’s posts about how much he misses his son (Chandler) while Chandler and Nate’s wife are on a trip and they left Nate behind. My solution? Easy! Write a guest blog for me to occupy his time! Plus, I know that y’all get sick of just hearing about the boring nonsense that fills my life with, so you’re welcome. And now, without further rambling, here’s Nate!
I’m a guest in your house.
So Tara asked me to write a guest post for her blog. She even said she was going to pay me. No, wait . . . she said she wasn’t going to pay me. But she did say I could write about ANYTHING I want. So I’d like to talk to you about the joys of pre-mortem taxidermy. That’s right, stuffing the animals BEFORE they are dead.
I’m sorry. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Nate Smith, and I’m the author of Improvising Fatherhood: A blog about the comedy of being a dad. I am a writer, comedian, and the father of a 1-year-old man eating baby. I’m serious, my son will pick you up and take you back to his cave and then slow roast you over a rotisserie which he constructed out of the mobile that used to hang over his crib.
Anyway, I’m not going to talk to you about pre-mortem taxidermy. I have something much more important to discuss.
I know everyone else is concerned about Childhood Obesity, but I think Child Opacity is a much more important issue. All over America children are becoming more and more opaque and this is quickly becoming the leading cause of disappearing children. One day you have a perfectly normal child and then the next thing you know, you can barely see him. And this can be traumatizing for your children. As they stand in line, waiting to be picked for the kickball team, the other kids will look right through them as if they aren’t even there. In class your child’s teacher will stop calling on him to answer questions, which will in turn lead to him becoming more disinterested in his studies.
Child Opacity is real, and it’s no use to turn your head and look the other way from it, because for all you know there might be an opaque child in that direction too.
Thank you for your time. Now I’m off to get my taxidermy license.
Edit: Nate was called out by one of my readers and he was thoroughly & publicly chastised by his son. Touche, Chandler. Here is the link to his public lashing: