I’m constipated

*Warning: If you are a dude & don’t like to hear about  . . . ya know . . . that thing that girls do every month, feel free to skip this one.  But since you’re here, you might as well stick around.

**Warning #2: Also if you are squeamish about poop, you might leave now.  Although I figured that if you are, you read the title & clicked the little red “x” faster than the fat man can say, “Ho ho ho!”

Ugh.  I’m really sorry that you just read that but I’m even more sorry for myself.  It’s seriously been 4 days and nothing has worked.  I even ate a greasy sausage/egg/cheese/biscuit and drank some cappuccino this morning and? 


Not even the tiniest rumble from my tummy.

My first thought was, “Mother effer.  I’m pregnant again.”

I have a freak-out like that about once/week.

In unrelated news: I own stock in ept.

(Okay, fine.  Not really but now that I brought it up, maybe I should invest in something baby-related since that’s where a majority of my money goes anyway . .  .)

I can always rationalize pregnancy symptoms.  With both of the kids, constipation was my first “symptom”.  Then yesterday?  I had lightening boob.  All you mommas and mommas-to-be know what I’m talking about.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, send me an e-mail and I’ll tell you! 

My inbox is empty & it’s almost Christmas and I’m bored.  

Unless my boss is reading this.  If that’s the case, then I’m swamped.  Don’t even bother calling or coming to my office.  I’m far to busy to talk to you right now!

Lightening boob is not nearly as uncomfortable as lightning crotch, but still.  I have been on high alert while showing an amazing amount of restraint by not peeing on a stick.

But my current bff & favorite aunt, Flo showed up this morning to squash that fear & saved me a few bucks.  She also saved me from peeing on my own hand.

See ladies!  Sometimes periods are marvelous!

Most days, I’m pretty sure that we are going to have another baby just not right now.  Two kids + two parents = man-to-man defense and that system really works for us right now.  Plus, I’m finally free of all of my baby weight & am just now starting to feel like I’m getting a little more independence.  Obviously the kids need me (or Greg) to feed, bathe, clothe, etc them but I’m not constantly strapped to the couch watching bad TV at all hours of the night while my sweet little hungry baby feasts at my bosom.

There really was no point to this story other than to overshare my bodily functions with the interwebz & embarrass my husband/kids should they ever stumble upon this little gem.

I just want you guys to feel as involved in my life as possible.

You’re welcome.


4 thoughts on “I’m constipated

  1. Haha I love you Tara! I live in opposite world… one of the residents fixed us staff dinner tonight and I’ve been running to the bathroom every 40 mins since then. Try cheese tortellini smothered in cheese sauce, worked wonders for me!

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