The one where I ruin any hope that my bestie will have children

Last night I had planned to wrap my banker (who actually doesn’t work at my bank branch anymore, but I still count her as my banker because whenever I would walk into the lobby, she would look up & say, “Hey Tara!  What’s up!” like we were friends and that was before she saw my deposit/withdrawal slip so she actually knew my name.)

I forgot that Greg also had a track meet last night so he wouldn’t be home until after I needed to wrap her.  When I realized my scheduling snafu, I called the bestie and asked her to watch the kiddos for about an hour.  I figured I would wrap Andrea right after work, go pick up the kids, drop them off with Steph, go unwrap & re-measure Andrea (minimum wear time is only 45 minutes!) and pick up the kids. 

Steph agreed to my plan.  

That was her first mistake.

Her second mistake?

Answering the doorbell when we showed up.

We both thought it wouldn’t be that big of a deal.  I had stopped at McDonald’s and bought the kids (and the babysitter!) dinner.  When I left, they were happily destroying their nuggets & cheeseburger.

I was gone for exactly 55 minutes.

Fifty.  Five.  Minutes.

When I pulled back into Steph’s driveway, all three of them were screaming for me.

Seriously.  I could hear them and my windows were rolled up.

When I got out of my car the kids ran toward me, arms outstretched, yelling, “Mama!”  Stephanie just stared at me and said, “We are all happy to see you.”


I thought I had all of my bases covered.  I gave them food.  I left extra diapers and wipes in case Sissy needed to be changed.  It was nice outside so they weren’t stuck in the house.

Apparently 55 minutes is more than enough time for my two young children to make my best friend decide that she never wants kids.  Here’s a brief run-down of the things that they did to terrorize her:

  • Dump the dog’s food out of the dish and throw it up in the air while exclaiming, “It’s a PARTY!!!!”
  • Snatch handfuls of grass from the ground, throw it up in the air while exclaiming, “It’s a PARTY!!!!”
  • Brock rang her neighbor’s doorbell.
  • When Steph was chasing after Brock trying to get him to stop ringing the neighbor’s doorbell, Sissy took off toward the neighbor (on the other side)’s house.  When she couldn’t reach that doorbell, she wailed.  Then she pouted when Stephanie picked her up and brought her back into her yard.
  • Brock held a pillow to his sister’s face when they were wrestling on the floor.
  • Brock shoved his sister’s face into the ground when they were outside.
  • Brock sat on his sister’s head and screamed, “I’m gonna smoosh your FACE!!!!”
  • Brock repeatedly told Stephanie that he was the boss and that she had to do whatever he said.
  • Both of the kids stomped her newly sprouted tulips (I really think this hurt her the most)
  • They pulled all of her throw pillows and cushions off of her couch and loveseat.  Oh, and the blankets.  It looked like she had been robbed when I walked inside to get the kids’ stuffed dogs.
  • Brock spilled a cup of water all over Stephanie’s pants. 
  • Then he blamed Adrianna for it.
  • Then he fought with Stephanie when she corrected him and said that he was the one that spilled the water.
  • Brock tried to run into the street.
  • When Stephanie caught him and led him back toward the house, he started to cry because she was so! mean! to! him!
  • Then Adrianna gave Stephanie the stink-eye and gave her brother a big hug while patting him on the back saying, “Iss okay.  Iss okay, Bock.”

All I could do was laugh when she told me all of this because I deal with this all the time and she always thinks I’m exaggerating about how insane they are.

She promised that she would never doubt me again.

Then she asked me to never ask her to babysit again.

And I’m pretty sure she called her gynecologist this morning to double her dose of birth control.

Now.  Who can I count on to babysit this weekend??

P.S. My banker lost almost 2 inches in 2 hours and she wanted to put the wrap back on before I left.  I helped her with that and she wore it for another hour and lost another inch!  Almost 3 inches in just under 3 hours!  Not too shabby!


9 thoughts on “The one where I ruin any hope that my bestie will have children

    • Uh, cuz wur stoopid.

      And because our husband trick us into not forcing them to wear condoms.

      P.S. Kids? If you are grown up and reading this, I love you very very much. And Brock? You should always wear a condom. (Adrianna is going to be fitted for her chastity belt this weekend so it won’t be an issue for her.)

  1. I gotta say that your posts make me not want to have anymore either. hahaha. With that said. I love you and your kids. Reading about your misery, oops, I mean wonderful life, makes me smile. 🙂 lol. ❤

  2. Wow, I am glad they are better for me! I think they saw an inexperienced adult that they could take advantage of! Man, this one made me laugh.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s