Vacation Bible School Shenanigans

Sunday night was the first night of Vacation Bible School at our church.

Last year the fits that Brock threw were pretty bad but mostly typical.  He cried.  He begged me to stay.  He chased after me when I would walk away.

You know.  Generally making me feel like a piece of crap.

But here’s the thing.  While I know that my child is not unique to the phenomenon of separation anxiety, he still manages to make me feel like a complete asshole for leaving him.

At church.

With his friends.

It’s not like I’m leaving him at the knife factory with a local crackhead.

I, rather stupidly, thought that this year would be different.

For one, he’s a year older and he did all of this last year.  I had hoped that it was out of his system.

For another?  Adrianna is old enough to attend and they happen to be in the same class so I thought that would be comforting to him.

*Ahem*

Sunday night when I dropped them off, they were mostly okay.  Brock was a little teary but there was a lot of chaos going on with registration and kids he hadn’t seen in a while (read: less than 4 hours prior for 3 of the kids that were there because they had just been to a birthday party together). 

He did okay.

I thought we were in the clear.

Fast forward to last night.

I’m not sure if it was a result of sleep-deprivation (he decided to skip a nap yesterday) or if he just wasn’t in the mood to do anything other than humiliate me, but from the time we left Greg’s parents house until the time I left the church after dropping them off (literally it was 10 minutes), this is what happened:

Me: {internal monologue} I’m so good at this mom gig!  I remembered to bring a drink and a small snack for the kids on the way to Vacation Bible School!  Last night went well.  Hopefully tonight goes just as smoothly!

Cue the dark clouds

Brock: Moooooommmmm??  Why can’t I watch TV?

Me: Because we are driving to the church.

Brock: For Bacation Bible SCHOOL?!?!?!  Nooooooooo!  I don’t wanna go dere!

Me: . . . um, why not?  You had fun last night!  Remember?  You can see all of your friends again and Mrs. Agnes will be your teacher again!  It will be fun! 

Brock: Why do I HAVE to go??

Me: Because you always have so much fun!

Adrianna: Why, momma??  Why, momma??

Me: Let’s sing a song!  Hey Brock!  Can you sing me the alphabet??

Brock: Noooo!  I don’t wanna SING!!

Me: Well, I’m going to sing!  A-B-C-D-

Brock: Mom!  Stop da car!

Me: No!  Why do you want me to stop the car?

Brock: Because!  I hafta poop!  Weally weally bad!!!  Ughhhhhh!

Me: Well, honey, you are just going to have to hold it.  We will be at the church in less than 5 minutes.  Now, let’s sing!  E-F-G!!

Brock: Fine.  Ughhhhhh!  Huwwy!

{elapsed time: 1 minute}

Brock: Mom?  Sometimes Gee-gee (one of his grandma’s) will pull over da car and wet me poop outside!  Isn’t vat awesome!

Me: Um, not really and there really isn’t a place to pull over between here and there.  Honey, we will be there really soon.  You can hold it.

Brock:  . . .

{elapsed time: 1 minute}

Brock: Mom?  Are we almost vere?  I hafta poop!

Me: Brock!  We are within seconds of pulling into the parking lot.  Just a little longer, buddy!

{We turn the corner and the church comes into view}

Brock: I DON’T WANNA GO HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Brock!  This is where Vacation Bible School is!  I’m not having this fight with you.

Brock: Mumph.  I’m gunna be sick.

Me: What?

Brock: I’m gunna frow up!

{Important side note: This throwing up on command thing is something that Brock does to get out of doing things that he does not want to do.  He did it for several weeks last year when we switched daycares simply because he didn’t want to change his routine.}

Me: Brock. David. Stemme.  If you throw up, I’m going to spank your bottom.  Do.You.Understand?

Brock: {cough} But Mooooommmm {gag} I can’t help it {sob}!

{By this time we are at the church and out of the car.  Brock is sobbing hysterically and clutching his stomach.}

Me: Brock!  Stand up!  We are going inside.  This is enough!  You do not behave this way.  Do you understand? {Of course, I’m trying to maintain as much dignity as I can muster while Brock is beet-red, foaming at the mouth and screaming about ‘frowing up’ while trying to unbuckle Adrianna from her car seat.  Clearly, it’s not going well for me.}

Brock: Mom?!  {Blech!}{Dry Heave!} See?!  I’m sick!  I! Can’t! Go! In! There! {Puke puke pukey}.

At this point, I look around and we are quite the scene.  I’m holding Adrianna, both of the stuffed brown dogs that they carry everywhere and am looking like a complete asshole.  You know why?  Because my oldest child is at my feet, screaming and crying and throwing up while I sternly tell him to straighten up, knock it off and threatening to spank him.

Now, to an outside observer (and thankfully, most of the people there know us because we are members of the church), I am an asshole.

To the people who do know us, I’m Brock’s mom.  And this is totally normal for us.

Brock is 1 month from his 4th birthday, Adrianna just turned 2.

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6 thoughts on “Vacation Bible School Shenanigans

  1. (((hugs to you))) been there done that with my oldest. I love to be made to look like a fool by one of my kids *sarcasm* but I have realized that a lot of parents go thru this and I go on with my head held high. It is no fun. And I would like to know exactly how does one puke on command??? Some days that might be a good trick to know.

    • I know that he doesn’t really understand what he is doing but it’s really awful to have to endure until he does figure it out.

      He literally sobs and sobs and sobs until he starts coughing and then . . . viola! Puke. Bleh.

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